On the Run.

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged and for those of you wondering…

I was not in jail. 

I kinda disappeared from everyone, I just packed up and left and I can’t tell you how amazing it feels.. Well until he finds me.

Almost two weeks ago I was staying with Eli.. Everything was perfect. I guess I said something to make him mad because the next thing I knew I was on the floor bleeding. I don’t really know how long I was on the floor before he started kicking my rib cage and yelling at me to clean the floor up before our guest arrived..

Before our guest arrived he told me if I ever told anyone it would only make it worse for myself. I never thought that he would hurt me in such away.. It wasn’t the first time and I know it won’t be the last.

He told me if I left he would indeed find me. That he had connections I didn’t even know about.

I’ve been moving fast and changing my appearance. I told my parents that I was away on a business trip. I am currently staying in the cheapest, dirtiest motel there is. This place is disgusting. I want to go home and feel safe. 

I’m not sure if he will find me, when I’m going home, or if I will have to be on the run forever.

I keep telling myself he wont find me…

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Today

Today kinda sucked! I was at the Tiger’s game today and I got so sun brunt! Baseball games are definitely not my thing. It was my first time and I didn’t care for it too much. I was only there because my little sister sang the National Anthem. I was so proud of her! She was on the big screen and everything!! 

I guess over all it was a good experience but not something I would like to do again. It was really nice having my man there, it was a good way to introduce him to my parents. 

So other than that.. nothing new. I hope you guys had a good day! Interview tomorrow morning so Goodnight!

Freedom.

I love my freedom. I love going out and doing what I want. 

Elijah asked me to go house shopping with him. He also asked me to have children with him. He finally did it guys. She’s gone. He asked me if it was okay if we waited for a while before anything crazy happens. We have had many conversations about what our life plans. We have plans on traveling and having a family. 

Were giving it a year or so. Were going to be doing a lot of traveling and then we will see where were at. I honestly can’t wait to have children. I love kids now, but I really can’t wait to have my own. 

Elijah was my first, he will be my last.

“Sex”

Sex.. We all crave it. It can be truly amazing or really bad. 

In my personal opinion sex shouldn’t just be “sex.” When I have sex with Elijah.. it’s like everything disappears, all my worries, all the stress.. It goes away. We don’t even call it sex, we call it “making love.” Now I get that were young and were not married but it’s something truly out of this world. 

It was brought to my attention that he was to try “dressing up.” Now, I’m definitely not an expert in this topic but I think that it would be something new and fun! I’m very curious about what he has planned. I’m not even nervous. It’s just exciting.

I think my favorite part about “sex” with him is the look in his eyes, the way we can smile and laugh. Were playful but we can be very serious at times. He really likes when I wear lipstick, suck his cock, and stare up at him and I love the way he looks at me..

know there is probably some confusion with me telling you all of this because of my last couple of “stories.” So to sum things up.. Yes, I am in love with this piece of shit man, yes he still has “her”, yes my heart was broken last night, yes we had a conversation about everything and I really think he is going to end it with “her.” I mean if not then I guess there’s another story for my blog, right? I am doing everything possible to be positive about this situation and trust him one hundred percent. It’s really hard right now, but I have confidence that things are going to start looking up for me. I will do everything in my power to prove to him that I can love him better. If things don’t work out the way I hope they will.. then I’ll get over it and move on. Just like before. What more can you do?

Numb


I can feel the alcohol start to warm my body. I start to feel the numbness that I’ve missed. I used to be like this all the time. Numb. 

I guess you could say the drugs got the best of me because I couldn’t get enough of them. I never wanted the feeling to end. It was amazing. I never felt anything. I never got hurt, I never loved, I didn’t care about anything and to be honest I miss it so much. Feelings really aren’t that great. 

My favorite was “Molly.” I remember snorting it off the back of a toilet at a club. I snorted it where ever. I didn’t care. The sex was amazing. It didn’t matter who it was with, it was ALWAYS amazing. My ex girlfriend thought so too. Man, she was a crazy bitch. A lot of fun.

What made me stop? My boyfriend got some pills for us and luckily i didn’t take any. Anyways, he took them and overdosed. I overdosed so many times but it wasn’t a big deal to me. I cared more about him than anything in the fucking world. Ah.. young love. Anyways he almost didn’t make it and that’s when I swore off drugs for good. Shit got real ugly, real fast. He also had a collapsed lung. Dumb ass.

I miss being numb, I hate that I can’t go back, I hate that it’s dangerous. 

liked loved being numb..

Get Away?

I can’t help but to sit here and wonder what he is doing. I know she is there. 

I can’t help but to wonder what she has that I don’t. What does she do better than me? Why does she get to have sex and fall asleep with the man I love? I never thought anything could hurt so much. I never thought that I would fall in love with a man who is in a relationship. I never thought that I would be sitting here with the hurt and hate in my heart. 

It’s almost like I’m trying to force him to be the one. Almost like I am too scared to be alone that I need him to be the one. It’s not that the love I have for him isn’t real, because it is in fact real. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t. I guess I don’t understand why people do the things they do. If he loves “her” than why would he keep me around?

I can’t even look at him the same anymore. I can’t lay in bed with him without wondering how long ago she was laying in the same spot I’m laying in. I can’t kiss him without thinking she has kissed the same lips just a few hours ago. I used to feel safe in his arms but now I feel trapped.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so empty inside. Sometimes I feel like a zombie.

There’s no possible way that he loves me, the way I love him. I sometimes think to myself that I should leave and never come back. Just run away. Change my number and never talk or think about him again. Then I realize that I would have no one. I would have nowhere to go. No one to turn to.

To be honest with you, I’m sick of running from the truth. I will always be fucked up. He will always be a cheater. Most of all, he isn’t going to leave her for me. We could never start a family, we could never have our own place, and he will most likely always love her. 

How would I ever get away? How can I leave? How could I ever fall out of love with the only man I want? 

Lost.

I seriously have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I have no idea why I make the choices I’ve been making. Why am I wasting my time, waiting for something that’s probably not even going to happen? I’ve always been independent. It fucking sucks. Elijah makes me crazy. I want things to work out, but deep deep down I kinda know that they won’t. Were so nowhere near being normal. Were fucked up people. Were shitty people. I’m starting to wish that this wasn’t my fucking reality. I hate myself for loving him.